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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

La Russophobe Unearths a Vast Anti-Russian Conspiracy!

Are you going to FIFA Fair?

Angola will be there.

So will Togo, Tunesia and Iran.

Tiny Switzerland will field a team, and so will Poland.

Ukraine, mind you, is widely expected to advance to the second round in its first-ever FIFA appearance.

But guess who won't be there.

What that, you said? America? No, America will be there with bells on.

Russia won't.

Why will Saudi Arabia be playing, but not Russia, in the FIFA World Cup 2006 international soccer championship?

Well, for starters, because FIFA couldn't care less about who's got nuclear weapons, or oil for that matter, but only cares about who can throw it down on the pitch. And Russia, for starters, can't. And it can't blackmail its way into the World Cup the way it can the G-8.

Now there are two possible explanations for this situation. One is that Russia is hurtling heedlessly down a dead-end street of failure and self destruction, in desperate need of reform but unwilling to admit the need for it, like a drunk or an addict waiting to hit bottom first. The other is that all the nations who participate in FIFA are engaged in a vast anti-Russian conspiracy to deprive Velikaya Rus of its rights and propers.

The choice for Russians, of course, is obvious, just as it was at the Salt Lake City Olympics in pairs skating (and more recently at the Calgary Worlds).

It couldn't possibly be that Vladimir V. Putin, a proud KGB spy, is an oily, toadlike crustacean no more capable of guiding the nation to a bright future than of flapping his arms and flying to the moon.

It couldn't possibly be that the Russian people, by acting more like lemmings than actual lemmings do, have contributed mightily to this humiliation by electing Putin to lead their nation, twice, scant years after his organization brought Russia to the brink of ruin.

No, it's obvious that Russia's only problem is a vast worldwide conspiracy of Russia haters tirelessly working to undermine the otherwise great nation, obviously out of pure jealousy and spite.

Without such a conspiracy working against it, Russia would surely rule the world!

11 comments:

Vilhelm Konnander said...

Post hunc, ergo propter hunc?

La Russophobe said...

ipso facto

Vilhelm Konnander said...

Quod minimum specimen in te ingenii?

La Russophobe said...

res ipsa loquitor

Vilhelm Konnander said...

Hic est solum saltus in demonstrando, sed quid hoc rei est?

Anonymous said...

Canada isn't in the World Cup, either. Nor is Scotland. Or Wales.

Must be because they're also led by dictators...

The mad old aunt strikes again!

A couple points of order. It's generally called Tunisia in English.

The World Cup is just the World Cup. It isn't referred to as "FIFA" -- not the "FIFA fair" or anything else. Just the "World Cup". FIFA is the body that organises it, and many other footballing events.

It is ooooh so 1972 of you to bleat on about sports and politics.

What did you do in the Cold War, daddy?

Vilhelm Konnander said...

Tam autem eras excors, ut tota in oratione tua tecum ipse pugnares, non modo non cohaerentia inter se diceres, sed maxime disiuncta atque contraria, ut non tanta mecum quanta tibi tecum esset contentio.

La Russophobe said...

JEREMY: Canada isn't in the world cup because it sucks at soccer. But Canada has no ambition to be good at soccer, so the fact that it sucks isn't an indication of a failed regime. Russia has passionate desire to be great at soccer, but has faild to be so. Therefore, it's regime has failed in this regard. This is grounds for change. If Canadians wanted to be great at soccer and weren't, they'd blame their government and change it, as they regularly do for other reasons. Russians sit idly by and accept outrage and failure, making them complicit in it and deserving of ridicule. So that's what they got, and will continue to get on this blog until they don't deserve it any more.

You might try to notice that this is La RUSSOphobe, not La CANADAphobe or La SCOTLANDphobe. If you want those blogs, search them up.

Meanwhile, try to get a grip on your childish jealousy you rude, silly, ignorant little boy.

La Russophobe said...

WILHELM: you're way over my head now :) e pluribus unum!

Vilhelm Konnander said...

Ignare! Non tu tibi istam praetruncari linguam largiloquam iubes?

La Russophobe said...

WILHELM: Yes, tis true, I'm a philistine, and what's more I don't speak Swedish either. I really should be kept in a zoo ;). I tem bolee ya rovoryu po-russkii! That is the truest proof of my barabaric tendencies! ;) A ty ne govorish?